It’s 3am I must be lonely

So this happened today… I woke up at 3am this morning. Wide awake. And I knew it was early but I didn’t know the exact time.  I don’t use clocks anymore, not for the last 3 weeks anyway. I’ve been going off of the theory if I wake up and it’s light outside, then it’s time to get up and go to work.  It’s been working really well for me actually.  For the last 3 weeks, I haven’t set an alarm and I’ve been the first person in the office 90% of the time.  And for the most part, I have a pretty good sense of what time it is.  The sun rises sometime between 5 and 6am.  I have a salt lamp in my bedroom on an automatic timer that flips on at 6am each day.  I usually just sleep until the salt lamp comes on.  Once the sun is up, it’s a lot easier to estimate the time depending on the quality of light.  Really early morning just looks different than morning, and late morning also looks really different as well.  Plus there are other indicators.  How many cars are on the road outside my window, how many cars are still in the parking lot of my apartments, etc.  So without the clock constantly yelling at me, I’ve been managing to get to work earlier than I used to get there all of the time.  I get there earlier than everyone else most of the time.  And on the 1 or 2 occasions when I have been later than everyone, I don’t know I’m late until I get there.  I’m not sure how long everyone else has been there so I can’t even begin to worry about it.  So I don’t.  In fact, I’d say I feel a LOT less stressed than before.  My plan to eliminate time from my world is going amazingly perfect!  I eat lunch when I’m hungry.  When I start to notice everyone else leaving work I find a good stopping place and leave work as well.  I don’t feel put out by how long I was at work because I got there when I got there and I left when I got my work done.  It doesn’t feel like a long day.  Just like a day.  A regular day.  I eat dinner when I get home, same as always.  Clean up, do a couple of things and go to bed.  Actually, I’m getting to bed way earlier than before too, which is really great.  And I’m tired when I go to bed.  Not because the clock told me I should be tired, but because I had a full day of doing what I could do with the day and I’m genuinely tired and ready to go to bed.  Plus it’s dark outside, a clear indicator that I should go to bed.

So anyway, I woke up at 3 am this morning.  But I didn’t know it was 3am.  Yesterday I woke up at ???  I don’t know, it was still dark, so probably around 5am.  I got up and did homework and when I was done the sun was up, it was early morning, probably 6-6:30 and I walked the dog and went to work.  Actually, I stopped at Target on my way to work and did some shopping.  They had just opened.  I still beat everyone else to work by maybe 30 minutes to an hour.  It was a perfect morning.  (We don’t get in early at my work, which helps)

Today I wake up and it’s still dark.  And so I mistakenly estimated the time to be around 5am-ish again.  And I was wide awake, so I decided to get up and start my day. I started the tea.  Since it was too dark to walk the dog I thought I would do some homework. I got settled in at the table and started my computer and there it was. The time… 3am!

3-a.m.

And I’m thinking, damn! I would have totally been fine if only I had not seen the time.  But there it was.  Time had slipped into my world, uninvited, trying to ruin my day.  And I thought about it and decided that 3am was WAY too early to start the day.

So I went back to bed.  I was thinking I’ll probably go down for another 90 minutes, so I could still get up around 5-6am.  And I lay there, mind totally racing.  And I knew that it would take me 90 minutes to get my mind to numb.  And then I would go down for 2 hours and wake up crazy late.  So I said screw it and got up again, and started my day for the second time!

I did homework.  Ate breakfast at the table for once.  Had 2 cups of coffee.  Then finally I looked outside and there it was… day had finally caught up to me.  So I woke up the dog and we joined the rest of the world in their hurry to start the day!

It’s a little after lunch time.  I’m food coma tired.  Since I ate breakfast so early, by the time I could naturally break for lunch I was truly famished!  So I ate way too much.  I could use a nap, but then again I can always use a nap.  But I feel mostly fine.  In that, I’m just living my day.  I’m not staring at the clock thinking, OMG I’ve been up for XX hours.  Instead, I just feel more present to the day and aware that when I come home it will feel good to go to bed.  I like my new world without time.  It seems to suit me just fine.  Just don’t tell me you want to meet somewhere at a certain time.  I can’t even.

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